Solo Opinion 1: Coping with abstracts

This week, as JDA is away giving a talk on Alt Lit somewhere (which I think is a code for sitting in his mother's house eating hobnobs), I would like to take you on a spiritual journey. A journey I'd like to call:

SCHLONG THAT ABSTRACT!

Here at Art Opinion we receive a lot of great submissions of artworks to discuss and give our balanced and level-headed opinions about. Interestingly we haven't received one single abstract piece yet.

Now I know that abstract artworks can be very intimidating, as their visuals often want to tap into our rawest emotions, into a pre-intellectual space, where concepts can not quite be conceived but already push through into existence. Sometimes abstracts even leave the plane of emotions and enter the realm of post-intellectuality, where concepts are so vast and overwhelming we cannot conceive them, but hope to one day be able to.

Just have a look at Mondrian's Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue. Pre-Emotion, Post-Intellectual thrill ride:

I know you are filled with anxiety when looking at this painting. But I know a way to help you: I'll put a schlong on that.

Ah! What a relief! Now all its secrets are unlocked to me, and I need not fear it anymore!

But what about those scary Abstract Expressionists? Look at this Pollock for example: 

So much raw power, it's overwhelming... or is it?

Schlong'ed that Pollock!

Let's take on the big boy of abstract expressionism: Mark Rothko.

His paintings often can instill feelings of dread and devastating sadness in you. Like this piece:

Can you feel the melancholy just taking over your being? Or more importantly, can you schlong that abstract?

Yes, you can!

Let's schlong a German painter for good measure:

Before-Schlong Richter:

After-Schlong Richter:

You can even Schlong your own abstract:

Schlong'ed that Reinmüller well and good!

I am sure you have found this solo-opinion highly enlightening, so if you want to write your dissertation on this, I'm available for interviews.

Remember, though, to Schlong that Abstract is strictly internet-only, unless you schlong yourself!

See you next week for more opinions and some Art School Degree Show specials.

Past Opinions!

As me and JDA are still hotly debating your new art submissions, I thought it would be a good time to give a shout-out to those artists we already have discussed!

Who could ever forget our very first opinion on Polygonal Lasso Artist Robbie Penford Baker? We were so taken with it, we reviewed him twice! It also made me obtain a copy of photoshop, and sign up for a tumblr account. I did have to realise JDA is already occupying that space, so I left again.

Next in line was Nathan Anthony's flump noose - which resulted in an homage to the great Benjamin McKenzie, and a phone call to the authorities.

Catriona Gallagher gapped the void between my misunderstanding of Hegel with JDA's proficiency in Isou's poetry. Have a read here.

'Destruction of the Lover' is the name of Sue Beveridge's piece, which we thought might be used to resurrect my grandparents (aka Nazis) - alternatively it can be used as a magazine rack. More of it here.

We then delved into non-visual arts for the first time with Timothea Armour's haiku - a proposal to let the Beatpoet-Satan conquer the world and marry Timothea Armour to Charles Bukowski.

A big thank you to all these artists who let us give our opinion.
Opinions - such a rare commodity in the age of the internet. The world really does need more of them: #artopinion

In the next opinion: Mark Rothko vs Lucian Freud vs Tom Cruise.

See you soon.

Timothea Armour: A haiku

Imminent Approach

Passing Glance, Aggravation

Exit to Nowhere

[Haiku made from race horse names]

DJR:
Woken up from an alcohol stupor, wounded, ashamed, but knowing very well that this routine will just continue (getting drunk, waking up, going to the horse races, getting drunk again), Charles Bukowski was a regular at the tracks.

Now I’m not sure how betting on horses works, what’s involved in the whole routine of weighing up the odds, and then betting on that outsider horse a guy with trembling eyes and only 7 digits on his hands promised you will win that race, but what I do know is that when I think about horse racing in the US, these guys show up:


In the UK, we got this bunch of people:

Now this might be a completely skewed view of reality, as the only window in my room looks into the internet, but I’m pretty sure when Charles Bukowski got up in the morning his head full of memories of school kids mocking his German accent, constipation, and the longing for pussy and alcohol, he didn’t expect to find a person, who would give him valuable insider tips so he wouldn’t have to return to the post office to work and avoid a good beating by those people he owes money to, named Timothea Armour.

JDA:
Of course you are only right to mention Bukowski here, as one of the world’s leading Czech and of course the person who introduced horses to the United States. Before the literate Czech carried out a formal introduction between Eisenhower and Seabiscuit no horse was allowed U.S. citizenship, a fact that led to many of them migrating to Canada. Within the context of the powerful emotional history it seems odd that Armour has tackled it so obliquely. It is possible of course that Armour is simply ignorant of the facts, that this is merely some Fulton-esque approach at concrete poetry. I will try and contact Basho via the ouija board and see what he thinks.

DJR:
I think you got your facts wrong again, JDA. Seabiscuit was known for not needing an introduction to anyone ever, especially not to Eisenhower. As you can clearly gather from the 1939 melodramatic animation called ‘Porky and Teabiscuit’ the legend of Seabiscuit was presupposed by this outstanding performance by Porky Pig, while Dwight was busy preparing to kill himself some Nazis, deeply in love with the tale of underdog success that was Seabiscuit’s race track career.

Unfortunately Porky Pig’s career took a turn for the worse when he decided to become Toby Maguire in 2003 to reprise his role as the floppy manmeat part of Seabiscuit that spurns it around the track.

Porky Pig's worst role.

Timothea Armour’s poem is clearly about Porky Pig’s career as Toby Maguire:

Imminent Approach (Seabiscuit)

Passing Glance, Aggravation (Spiderman 2, Spiderman 3)
Exit to Nowhere (Brothers)

JDA:
As promised I asked Basho:


Here is his response:

GuN iN DeaF NatIon

bUT mAyOR

BUT cRITICal cAr

pErhapS INuRE aBoUt

ASsEmBlY AlONG reSponSiBLe HEALth

As schOlAsTiC

WIfE wiLl lEAD leAst

carE pLUs AtTEnTIoN bRiNG

youR TRAck cOnSult cONSUlt38, 44

but Review SoUthweSTeRN bAtTLe

wE ExpLAIN qUaLIFied rE-eleCtIon

76 FAsT aChiEVEMENT

PErioD ShALl OpErATE bATTle

acTuaLLY Or all

gENuiNe aMeRIcan DisCHArGEUnanimousLY

35, 73, 87 HOur FUlFiL

off or oUTrigHT

I think that last line of his “off or oUTrigHT” chimes nicely with Boris Groy’s last essay.

DJR:
There is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which Xander together with Willow, Riley and Giles are searching for some kind of solution for a mystical problem of some sort. Riley, a paramilitaristic college student, isn’t as familiar with the paranormal world as the rest of the group is and wonders if spells actually work.
‘Sure do’, reassures Willow.
Xander, looking up from a book interjects: ‘But it’s not like you can just say ‘Librum incendere’ and expect...’ Xander is interrupted by his book catching fire.
Their English middle aged friend Giles adjusts his glasses and reminds Xander not to speak Latin in front of the books.

Similarly I’m convinced that Timothea Armour will find a combination of race horse names that will enable her - through the incantation of internet ghosts, as practiced by JDA - to resurrect Charles Bukowski.
Then both of them Timothea Armour, and Charles Bukowski can happily skip along to the track and read each other their poetry. I do hope Ms Armour does appreciate the rugged charm of a serious alcoholic pervert of the likes of Mr Bukowski, though.

JDA:
I think I agree with you here DJR, and, for the delight of Ms Armour, have adopted a satanic ritual for use on beat poets:

The initiation ritual is very personal, unless you decide to have friends participate, or are doing it as part of a group.

You will need:

• 1 or more black, blue or red candles (as many as you like)
• A sterilized needle or razor
• A piece of clean paper, large enough to write the prayer below
• A dry pen, where you sign your name in whisky (dip the tip of the pen in your whiskey)

Write the following prayer:

Before the almighty and ineffable God (Insert Name of Beat Poet) and in the presence of all, (insert other beat poets names) who are the True and the Original beat poets , I, (state your full name) renounce any and all past allegiances. I renounce the false Judeo/Christian god Jehova, I renounce his vile and worthless son Jesus Christ, I renounce his foul, odious, and rotten holy spirit.

I proclaim (Insert beat poet) as my one and only God. I promise to recognize and honor him in all things, without reservation, desiring in return, his manifold assistance in the successful completion of my endeavors.

It is important to bathe before any rituals you perform, this is done out of respect. When you are ready, you can light the candle. Take the needle, prick the index finger of your left hand, squeeze some whiskey out.

Sign your name in whiskey.

Recite the prayer either aloud or in your head

Fold the paper and let it burn in the fire of the candle. Many of us have stayed and meditated until the candle had burned itself out.

At the end of the ritual, close with the words "So mote it be." And a Big "HAIL (insert name of beat poet)"

Sue Beveridge: Destruction of the Lover, 2012

 

JDA:
Ikea’s head designers were still not 100% sure about the market for steel skeleton storage units when they commissioned this piece. The conversation they had when it was first presented to them was roughly as follows:

“The title, once this goes into commercial production will of course be “Destruktion av vännen”. The legs of course will have to be replaced with either solid pine or laminate birch effects legs. If we were going for the high end market we could experiment with maybe an oak effect too...”

“One second...”

One high powered Swedish business person had noticed a number of flaws:

“Why is there a skeleton on it?”

This statement was followed by the sort of noises that shocked, executive Swedish designers make when death is mentioned.

“We don’t know..”
Someone finally voiced the question everyone was thinking

“Is it art?”

“We don’t know...”

According to my reporter the designers are still unsure if this is a cutting edge magazine rack or art. So am I.

DJR:
A steel skeleton storage unit you say? Well, of course that is a commission for the German market, obviously!
Although you are wrong about the actual application of this item. It’s a sieve for plunging into the Fatherland’s fertile lands, upon which the world’s finest Dichter and Denker walked, in order to retrieve the bones of those Dichter and Denker we got rid of around the 1930s and 40s.
The Germans that operate the sieve then leave the scene and call the remains a Holocaust Memorial, enabling the entirety of the German population to point at it screaming LOOK WE LEARNED OUR LESSON, WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS NOW and then forming and joining peace groups carrying Israel = Swastika signs.

It does double nicely as a magazine rack, though.

JDA:
It definitely does work nicely as a magazine rack although another member of the Swedish design illuminati is reputed to have been particularly scornful of the skeleton, which was found to have been made out bone. The use of bone to make the skeleton has been derided by Derrida as a choice so typical of the early-post-avant-garde design hegemony that he is rumoured to have given up his membership. Brian Sewell is reported to have jumped in to fill the void, although when he learnt of the singularly inventive use of hardened horse shit to create a soul sieve for teutonic sediments he was reported to maintain a stiff upper lip.

Regardless of these trifling anecdotes, which I’m sure DJR will have heard at one of our many convoluted tea parties, this is very much an artwork of two parts.

One part is a magazine rack and the other is a skeleton that has fallen apart. I recommend gluing the two together firmly before it is exhibited again.

DJR:
Yes. I remember one particular tea party where we forgot to glue the Führer’s bones to its soul sieve... now he won’t be resurrected for another thousand years. Awkward!

Robbie Penford Baker: Untitled Collage 2, 2012

DJR:
This untitled collage is clearly a comment on how inadequate the polygonal lasso tool is to create attractive lines, especially when half a side-boob on a pink plane is concerned.
These poorly cut out hands are, if we were able to understand sign language, gesturing repressed sexual things towards each other, but mainly their frustration about how erotica, once it enters the realm of art, cannot be used for masturbatory purposes anymore - well, at least not when it concerns anything else but the ego of the artist.

JDA:
It is nice to know that the artist owns a copy of photoshop and has some limited skill in using it. However it is regrettable that they have forgot to make clear exactly what event they are promoting. This piece is fine, it just needs some text over the top to indicate where I can go and get drunk and dance.

DJR:
I have heard that there’s a feature in the new version of Photoshop which will let you post your digital collage directly from Photoshop to Tumblr. It will, however, delete the original straight away, and also destroy the physical space on your harddrive where your collage was stored.
So instead of having the collage end up in a place where noone will look at it (recycle bin), it will be in a place where noone that matters will look at it (tumblr).

JDA:
As one of Edinburgh’s premier tumblr users I resent the suggestion that I do not matter. Tumblr is the arena in which contemporary art is flourishing, thousands of aspiring young artists doing really good drawings of friends using pencils. Whether you like it or not this is the new face of contemporary art. Down with MoMA! Down with Tate! Down with Saatchi! Long live the bold new face of contemporary art! #art! #drwaing! #pencil! #idk! 

Catriona Gallagher: Door (fittings and fixtures not included), 2012

DJR:
In the Phenomenology of Spirit, Hegel walks into the void and encounters an object. That object is a tree. But also, for some reason, a non-tree at the same time. I also didn’t understand the whole passage Hegel wrote that led up to encountering the tree, so actually what I should have said is:
Hegel, equipped with some kind of form of self awareness, encounters a tree in the dark, which is an object. So Hegel is the subject, or is he aware of that already? I can’t remember, and reading Hegel sure as fuck doesn’t help, either. So, what I should have said is:
There is this term called subject-object relationship, and it somehow reminds me of something I thought I understood when reading Hegel, but clearly, I can’t recall any of it.

In relation to Catriona Gallagher’s piece, in which she replaced the handle, lock and hinges of a door with latex versions, what I’m saying is: Hegel, equipped with some kind of awareness-logic, walks/floats into the void/non-void and encounters/non-encounters a tree/non-tree. Part of the tree/ the non-parts of the non-tree are made out of latex, and Hegel goes: What the fuck is this shit?

JDA:
As Michael Craig-Martin, former MI5 employee so rightly taught us with his infamous lecture series “An Oak Tree” nothing is as it seems. However here it seems right to assume that this is a door and not a tree. Further investigation of the photograph shows strong evidence that it has been painted. The methodology and syntax used in this application renders the door beyond sculpture and into the realm of abstract expressionism where the acknowledgement of its lack of flatness places it firmly back within the sculptural realm. The sexual (but safe) connotations of the latex make it clear that this piece is responding to that infamous surrealist poem by Isidore Isou, “Painting and Kissing”. As Isou so rightly states “The first time that she came to my house, she bought Chardonnay, now I buy Chardonnay, almost every day. And as her kissing got worse, oh her paintings improved, but what does that prove, it proves nothing. On March the 23 rd she said something so absurd, She said ‘You love to be in love, but you’re never really in love.’” Never has a truer word been spoken, Hegel might be going what the fuck is this shit, but Isou already knows.

DJR:
I do want to underline here, though, that I won’t be making love to these door’s/non-door’s fittings, however safe they are. The latex surely does have its sexual allure, but that won’t tempt me into becoming part of a visual homoerotic pun when my manhood approaches a latex knob. Oddly enough the photograph of Gallagher’s latex knob looks remarkably similar to photos I’ve taken of myself.
But what is it then that happens in between Hegel and Isou? It’s not a door, nor a tree, nor a non-door/non-tree, it’s not love; it’s a door that would love to be a door, but never really has been a door - just look at its tilt!
That’s not how any professional door would position itself in the room. There are certain standards in that profession, and I have many friends, who are, by the way, doors, who would frown over such ridiculous amateurish display of lack of professionalism. Even in the art scene there are doors who can handle themselves a lot better than that.

This isn't a door!

JDA:
I think you’ve for once managed to get to the heart of the issue there. By saying “however safe they are” with regards to the fittings you emphasise the fact that they are in fact not at all safe. It is also clear that the angle of the door is indeed highly unorthodox. I would prefer to see it at 90º to the floor, in a vertical position. Whilst we all had a laugh during post-modernism I think the late-2000s recession really merits a serious re-consideration of the artists role in society.

Recommendations:

1. Door to sit at a 90º angle
2. Door to sit at a 90º angle within some sort of gap in the wall, creating a liminal zone of wall/none wall
3. Fittings to be replaced with similar fittings that have been crafted in a more practical material.
4. More practical material to be chosen strictly on the basis of practicality
5. Door to be replaced with a door that is the correct size for the gap in wall.
6. Door handle to be replaced with a handle made from one of the following materials:
1. Polished Chrome
2. Satin Chrome
3. Polished Brass
4. ivory crackle glaze florentine bronze
5. SWAROVSKI ELEMENTS 'CRYSTALLIZED TM' CYLINDRICAL MORTICE DOOR KNOBS, INC AT LEAST TWO OF THESE ACCESSORIES:
1. STAINLESS STEEL ESCUTCHEONS STANDARD PROFILE
2. BLACK NICKEL/POLISHED CHROME ESCUTCHEON
3. STAINLESS STEEL ESCUTCHEONS EURO PROFILE

Of course these actions need to be carried out without undue compromise of the artist’s vision.

Nathan Anthony: FLUMP NOOSE, 2010

DJR:
The other day I realised that most of the art objects I have seen in my life, I’ve only seen as images. Are they actually 3D, or just cardboard cut-outs pretending to inhabit space, carefully propped up by stage designers? I’ll never know.

Thankfully this art object doesn’t throw me into this dilemma of not knowing of its 3D-ness as it severely cuts its dimensions by being plopped onto a wall.
Its creamy pinkness flat against an equally pink’ish plane tells me that the creator of this either does not know how to make photographs that could be classed as okay, or is so unsure about this creation that he not only cut its dimensions down, he also tries to make it disappear into the background.

JDA:
As Sartre said “there is but only one serious philosophical problem and that is suicide”. Sadly this piece fails to address that. It would have been far more practical to construct the piece out of rope, preferably made from sisal fibres although polypropylene would have done at a push. The artist has clearly realised his error and has not tried to hang himself. This has no doubt caused him further pain and only intensified his suicidal feelings. It is therefore clear that the piece is highly unsuccessful.

Nausea - great summer reading

DJR:
It is unsuccessful to such a degree that it makes me feel awkward. It’s even hanging in an awkward way. Get yourself together, noose! You’re a tool of self-destruction! Take pride in the undoing of the king of all animals, the annihilation of the thinking beast. Don’t just floppily hang about on a wall, unable to harm the flimsiest of people, or at least be used to heighten the sexual stimulus achieved by autoerotic asphyxiation. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even good for that, unless I’d stuff my face and nose with you simultaneously, trying to breathe through the sugar with my pants down.
You are about as useful as getting tips for intercourse from a 15 year old boy. Actually, you have probably been made by a mid-pubescent teen who had his first thoughts about suicide listening to Nirvana in 2006 eating a strawberry Cornetto, whose only profoundly mortal experience he’ll ever have is when the doctor tells him he’s got diabetes, then running home and watching the boxset of Dawson’s Creek/ the O.C. while bittersweet tears run down his chubby face wondering where it all went wrong, just to be found 3 weeks later on the promenades of the grim shores of eastern England: a bloated corpse, binged to death on trifle and shallow thoughts of suicide.



JDA:
First of all I think you should leave the O.C. out of this. To mention this piece in the same sentence as such an emotionally profound show is insulting. Let us not forget those final fateful words, issued by the great Ryan Atwood, played with aplomb by Benjamin Mackenzie.

“Hey kid, need any help?”
Admittedly the piece probably is trying to respond to this great line which has undoubtedly overshadowed the creativity of most of today’s budding artists. Maybe my standards as a critic have just become too flawed by the work of writers such as Josh Schwartz, who also helped develop Gossip Girl.



DJR:
To quote Josh Schwartz’s award winning essay about Steven Spielberg’s Gremlins “Spielberg has done it again”(1) or to extrapolate:
“Although I long for the safety of nostalgia, I am very well aware of the pitfalls of young adulthood - very much like the transition from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’, a tale of a mind not yet ready to digest the wonders of the subject-object relationship manifested in hallucinations of alien visitors, to ‘Gremlins’, a horror story of a boy becoming a man by transferring his sexuality and death-wish metaphorically onto little monsters he accidentally created after midnight in his bedroom - a paranoid fear that his ‘wet dream’ semen grows to become self sufficient, and, as it was rejected unlike the virgin-esque Gizmo, turns on his creator and the whole town seeking to destroy it in pubescent hormonal rage.”

This excellent analysis by Josh Schwartz makes us truly understand the gravity of the quote JDA has provided us with... because what Nathan Anthony is really saying with his piece called Flump Noose is: “Hey kid, need any help? Here’s something for you to snack on after midnight while caressing your furry animal friend.”



We should probably call the authorities.












(1) Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Schwartz