SCHLONG THAT ABSTRACT!
Here at Art Opinion we receive a lot of great submissions of artworks to discuss and give our balanced and level-headed opinions about. Interestingly we haven't received one single abstract piece yet.
Now I know that abstract artworks can be very intimidating, as their visuals often want to tap into our rawest emotions, into a pre-intellectual space, where concepts can not quite be conceived but already push through into existence. Sometimes abstracts even leave the plane of emotions and enter the realm of post-intellectuality, where concepts are so vast and overwhelming we cannot conceive them, but hope to one day be able to.
Just have a look at Mondrian's Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue. Pre-Emotion, Post-Intellectual thrill ride:
I know you are filled with anxiety when looking at this painting. But I know a way to help you: I'll put a schlong on that.
Ah! What a relief! Now all its secrets are unlocked to me, and I need not fear it anymore!
But what about those scary Abstract Expressionists? Look at this Pollock for example:
So much raw power, it's overwhelming... or is it?
Schlong'ed that Pollock!
Let's take on the big boy of abstract expressionism: Mark Rothko.
His paintings often can instill feelings of dread and devastating sadness in you. Like this piece:
Can you feel the melancholy just taking over your being? Or more importantly, can you schlong that abstract?
Yes, you can!
Let's schlong a German painter for good measure:
You can even Schlong your own abstract:
Schlong'ed that Reinmüller well and good!
I am sure you have found this solo-opinion highly enlightening, so if you want to write your dissertation on this, I'm available for interviews.
Remember, though, to Schlong that Abstract is strictly internet-only, unless you schlong yourself!
See you next week for more opinions and some Art School Degree Show specials.