Thursday 17 May 2012

Solo Opinion 1: Coping with abstracts

This week, as JDA is away giving a talk on Alt Lit somewhere (which I think is a code for sitting in his mother's house eating hobnobs), I would like to take you on a spiritual journey. A journey I'd like to call:

Here at Art Opinion we receive a lot of great submissions of artworks to discuss and give our balanced and level-headed opinions about. Interestingly we haven't received one single abstract piece yet.

Now I know that abstract artworks can be very intimidating, as their visuals often want to tap into our rawest emotions, into a pre-intellectual space, where concepts can not quite be conceived but already push through into existence. Sometimes abstracts even leave the plane of emotions and enter the realm of post-intellectuality, where concepts are so vast and overwhelming we cannot conceive them, but hope to one day be able to.

Just have a look at Mondrian's Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue. Pre-Emotion, Post-Intellectual thrill ride:

I know you are filled with anxiety when looking at this painting. But I know a way to help you: I'll put a schlong on that.

Ah! What a relief! Now all its secrets are unlocked to me, and I need not fear it anymore!

But what about those scary Abstract Expressionists? Look at this Pollock for example: 

So much raw power, it's overwhelming... or is it?

Schlong'ed that Pollock!

Let's take on the big boy of abstract expressionism: Mark Rothko.
His paintings often can instill feelings of dread and devastating sadness in you. Like this piece:

Can you feel the melancholy just taking over your being? Or more importantly, can you schlong that abstract?

Yes, you can!

Let's schlong a German painter for good measure:

Before-Schlong Richter:

After-Schlong Richter:

You can even Schlong your own abstract:

Schlong'ed that Reinm├╝ller well and good!

I am sure you have found this solo-opinion highly enlightening, so if you want to write your dissertation on this, I'm available for interviews.

Remember, though, to Schlong that Abstract is strictly internet-only, unless you schlong yourself!

See you next week for more opinions and some Art School Degree Show specials.

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